Saying Goodbye
by ncbdc27
Summary: Natalie goes to say a first and final goodbye to her brother.


**I made up the dates of Gabe's life. And in this story, Henry knows about Natalie's mom's condition but doesn't know the cause and has not heard about Gabe. Also, the words on Gabe's gravestone are in Latin. I made a short poem made up of lyrics from various songs in Next to Normal. What Natalie sings is what is written on the stone. I don't own Next to Normal or any of the songs.**

* * *

"Henry come on!", Natalie called over her shoulder as she headed to her car.

"But what if we get in trouble?", Henry whined as he dragged himself along after her.

Natalie was surprised that Henry, of all people, would be afraid of getting in trouble.

"It doesn't matter. Just come on", she said, annoyed. When she reached the car she unlocked the door, jumped in, and started up the truck. Henry joined her soon after. As soon as his door was closed, Natalie sped off down the road.

"Where are we going, Nat?", Henry asked after driving for about 10 minutes.

"Just shut up", Natalie mumbled.

They finally pulled into a parking lot. When Henry got out, he looked around and didn't recognize his surroundings. They were in the parking lot of a church but the name didn't sound familiar at all. Henry couldn't figure out why Natalie had brought them to a church, because well, neither of them were really the religious type, but he knew better than to ask more questions than he already had.

Henry watched as Natalie grabbed a rose, a stuffed bear, and a candle out of the backseat of the car. He then followed her as she made her way to the back of the church, not once turning around to give Henry an explanation.

Natalie was ahead of Henry but he decided against trying to catch up. When she was in one of these moods, he knew she needed her space. Once he got to the back of the church, where Natalie was, he found her walking through the small cemetery that was behind the church. Henry stood at a distance, watching Natalie searching for what he assumed was probably a family member's gravestone. When she finally stopped, she stared down at the stone for a while before sinking to her knees. She looked back at Henry for the first time since they had arrived and motioned for him to join her. Henry slowly made his way over to where Natalie was kneeling. The stone was flat and gray. Natalie brushed off the dirt and revealed the engraving. And as he had predicted, the stone belonged to one of her relatives. It read:

Gabriel Goodman

January 2nd, 1993 - August 22nd 1993

_Scio nocte moriens dulces_

_Sed lux aderit_

_Et vidit solem dies tenet_

_Erit lux_

Henry had never heard Natalie mention anyone named Gabriel before. He tried to recall ever hearing that name. He was lost in his thoughts when suddenly he was brought back to reality by the sound of someone singing. He realized it was Natalie.

"I know the night is dying, dear. But the day will dawn. And the darkest days will see the sun. There will be light", she sang softly. She repeated these four sentences over and over. She eventually stopped when her voice began to crack. She did her best to hold back the tears that were threatening to pour out if she opened her mouth.

"Who was he?", Henry asked carefully. After a beat of silence Henry asked again. "Gabriel. Who was he?", another pause. "Nat?"

Natalie composed herself quickly so that she wouldn't begin to sob once she opened her mouth. She took a deep breath and croaked out, "My brother."

"Oh, Nat! I'm so-"

"Save it", Natalie cringed at how that came out. She didn't mean to be rude. She just didn't want to hear it. "Sorry. I mean, I've just heard that so much that it doesn't help anymore." Henry nodded and remained silent.

Natalie picked up the candle and placed it on the gravestone. She took a small packet of matches out of her pocket and lit the candle. She then placed the rose next to the candle. Then she picked up the stuffed bear. She examined it, remembering the day mom showed it to her. Natalie had been cleaning out her closet when her mom came in to her room. She walked over to Natalie and set the bear down in front of her. Natalie picked it up and asked her mom what is was. Her mother explained that it was an exact replica of the bear Gabe had been buried with. Before being able to give a further explanation, Natalie's dad burst in the room. He had apparently overheard the mention of Gabe's name and panicked. No one was supposed to mention Gabe's name. Natalie's dad scolded his wife and gave Natalie a glance that said it all without any words. He then left and called for Diana, Natalie's mother, to follow him. Natalie was then left alone with the bear. She put it in her closet and forgot about it, until now.

Natalie finally put the bear down near the rose. She had the urge to get up and go now but she stopped herself. She had told herself that she was going to talk to Gabe, and she was going to stick to that. She began to speak.

"Ok. Hi, I guess. So, um, I-"

Henry cleared his throat. He felt a bit like a third wheel just standing there.

"You can go back to the car, Henry. I'll be there soon", Natalie told him. He turned and walked to the car without a word.

"Alright anyways", Natalie continued, "I don't really know what to say", she paused, thinking over what to say next. First, she felt like she should say something meaningful but then this huge anger towards Gabe sprang up inside of her.

"Why couldn't you just be a normal big brother?! All I wanted was a big brother to help me! To give me advice or whatever shit big brothers are supposed to do! Supposedly dad and I are the selfish ones. We only want love for ourselves and we have to have everyone care about us but you're pretty selfish yourself! You took mom away from me and dad and you won't even give us any help. It's not like I was trying to shut you out, Gabe! All I really wanted was for you to talk to me, to show up in my doorway one day and say something stupid about how I look like shit. But you just had to screw everything up instead."

Natalie stopped. She probably earned herself a guaranteed ticket to hell by talking to her dead brother this way but what did she care? She was pissed and was probably already gonna go to hell anyways.

"This is ridiculous. I'm screaming at you and didn't even fucking know you. You basically ruined my life and I've never said a word to you. Look, I know you can hear everything I'm saying and I know you probably don't give a shit about me. I mean, you sure haven't for the past 16 years so why would you now."

She suddenly felt herself breaking down. Why was she trying to cover up the hurt and pain? All she really wanted was to hear her brother.

"Just talk to me. Please. You don't know how many days I wished I could go crazy just so I could hear you talk to me. So I could see you. So I could know you. I needed your guidance more than anything most days, and you let me down. Now its your birthday and I don't know what I expected from showing up here. I guess I was just hoping for something from you. A sentence. A word even. I wish I could say I love you or I miss you but I can't. Because frankly, I kind of hate you right now. But I can't. I can't hate my DEAD brother. I don't know. One thing I know for sure is that I'm not coming back here again. Bye, Gabe."

As she stood up, she felt a strong breeze. As she turned to walk away, she heard what sounded like, "Bye, baby sis", and made her way back to the car. She felt bad for keeping Henry waiting.

Henry offered to drive, insisting that Natalie looked in no condition to drive at the moment. Natalie looked out the window as Henry turned the corner. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw what looked like the silhouette of a young man in the cemetery but when she looked again, there was nothing there.


End file.
